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Left Coast / Right Coast: What to do as you are hunkering down at home

Okay, so we’re all spending lots of time at home. Working from home, schooling on-line at home, and ordering from Amazon Prime at home. So I thought I’d make some suggestions as the above three activities do not take up all your at-home time.
Mike Gold social distancing on the golf course. Photo credit: Scott Brown.

By Mike Gold, a retired entrepreneur "living the dream in the Pacific Northwest."

Okay, so we’re all spending lots of time at home. Working from home, schooling on-line at home, and ordering from Amazon Prime at home.

So I thought I’d make some suggestions as the above three activities do not take up all your at-home time.

Inspect your yard: We have one or two moles living beneath our grass. Every so often a mole hill will appear at random somewhere in our grassy area. Now we have four battery powered mole sticks which seem to do a reasonably good job of keeping the moles out of our grass.

One of my favorite activities is sitting in an easy chair at random places on our lawn between the hours of 1:00 am and 4:00 am – just waiting for the sound of a mole hill being constructed so I can re-educate them with a shotgun.

You plug a set of earphones in and listen to overnight talk radio. Until I started doing this I was completely unaware of the following “facts:

  • Coronavirus was brought to our planet by Martians.
  • Hillary Clinton is actually our president. Trump is just doing a “stand in” until she is cleared of any crimes and misdemeanors.
  • Tom Brady will sign a 20 year contract with the Patriots. He will go on to win an additional ten super bowls, the last one from a walker.
  • Whitey Bulger will be granted a pardon by President Trump. All he has to do is donate the $20 million he stole during his reign as head of the Winter Hill Gang in Boston to a super PAC.
  • Stacy Abrams will claim her rightful position as Governor of Georgia.
  • Senator Richard Burr will resign so he can play the stock market full time.

Here is another activity that is a sure-fire winner. Trim your blackberry bushes. This is a sure-fire way to spend at least 20 hours a week doing something that a. you absolutely hate; and b. is a complete exercise in futility.

Get a sun tan. This works even when it is pouring down raining. See, your skin tans from photons from the Sun not just rays which reign down on you during all daylight hours. If you get uncomfortable sitting out in the rain, then erect an umbrella. That will increase the time necessary for you to get a tan from hours a day to infinity (take multiple Vitamin D and E tablets to give your body the sustenance it needs sans sun).

For those of us lucky enough to live on the water (on Puget Sound), wade into the water – say about to your knees. Emulate the eagles who fish on the shallow water by just standing there until a fish swims by – then “grab it.” Plan on standing there for a minimum of four hours per afternoon. Apply lots of salve between your toes in order to stave off getting web feet.

Again, one of my favorites – looking for four leafed clovers. Not all of us have clover in our lawns. We happen to have a bumper crop. But if you are willing to spend hours a day on your hands and knees weeding through thousands of clovers you might actually find one. If you do find one, you can bring it to the Irish American Club down in Tacoma and receive a coupon good for a small coffee at Starbucks.

Clean your car. I have always appreciated the Concours ‘de Elegance down at Pebble Beach. Here owners of multi-million dollar vintage cars drive them onto the lawn at Pebble Beach to be judged. I particularly appreciate watching these car nuts doing the final cleansing before the judging starts. Note, they drive these cars onto the lawn. Then I’ve seen them take out boxes of Q-tips and carefully brush out any dirt or grass that happens to get stuck in the treads during the drive onto the lawn. This is an activity that I so admire that I think I’d rather stick needles in my eye than actually do it.

Last on my list for those of us who are fortunate enough to have a septic system, is to check on the efficacy of the system.

You do this by finding the holding tanks (in which the solids accumulate – while the liquids are pumped into the drain field – where it drains back into the earth). You remove the cover of the holding tank, stick your head way down into it and check that the contents appear to be of the proper consistency.

The only thing to be careful of is to not be overcome by the stench inside the tank. There have been examples where people faint and then drop into the tank – drowning in the process. But then they qualify for inclusion in the Darwin Awards, one of my lifelong dreams.

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